The Setup

I’ve fallen victim to a heinous act. An act so vile, so downright dirty, that I’m not sure as a 20-year-old man I'll ever recover. Brace yourself, because what I’m about to tell you might have you gasping in secondhand horror.

Ready? Here it goes....I’ve recently become the pawn of a meddling mom. Yes...a meddling mom - who's been trying to set me up all summer. Now, I understand it’s not a crime for a mother to want her child to fall in love, but when she makes it her relentless mission, the heinous act should be classified as a misdemeanor at least.

Of course, my mom, the evil matriarch in the devil’s leggings, made her final stab at finding a girl for me days before I went back to college. And I hate to admit it, but she saved a doozy for last. A titan in black skinny jeans. A boss of nonchalance. And a girl who would not only turn my life upside down, but do it while juggling a soccer ball, looking effortlessly gorgeous around campus, and is 100 percent against relationships. Of any sort. Thanks, Mom.